You're my little dorito
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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