I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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