john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
