She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
