youre lurking in front of me
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
