I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
