Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
