if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
