just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
