I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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