What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
