i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
