im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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