I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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