I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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