I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
