you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
