I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
