Cold hands, warm shart.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
