Got a toothbrush?
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just got carded by a ten year old.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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