I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
