If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
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