dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
