you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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