last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
