just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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