Betty ford says i'm here all night
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize