Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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