I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
