if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
