and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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