eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
