You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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