whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
