you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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