there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
me + whiskey = a bad person
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
