Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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