True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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