You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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