my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize