Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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