Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
