YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
