but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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