Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
