Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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