my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
