I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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