Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
