That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
