I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
