It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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