Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
