seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
you will always have a special place in my vag
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
