So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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