I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
