Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
