in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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