I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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