I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if i died would you start the facebook group?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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