I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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