Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
