I need help removing her.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
