yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize